You feel like it’s terrifying that you’re becoming another person because there was a lot of safety and security in your previous identity although it was stifling and it wasn’t of your own creation – it was an adaptation to stay safe as a child. There’s a lot of resentment built up within you for the aspects of yourself regarding how much of yourself you needed to cut off in order to fit in with your previous environment.
You’re looking forward to being freer now, to being able to reintegrate those aspects of yourself that you chose to cut off or disown to get along with your family, your previous environment. It also makes sense, now that you’re needing to reintegrate these aspects of yourself, that it feels scary because you’ve just become very acclimated to rejecting aspects of yourself. Letting those aspects of yourself back in, re-learning, readjusting to accepting those aspects of yourself that you previously chose to reject for social cohesion purposes, it feels very uncomfortable. That’s completely understandable.
It feels like the truth of you is buried deep down inside of yourself somewhere and that truth of yourself is also an aspect of yourself that you rejected for the sake of social cohesion. The truth of yourself is that you’re a much more courageous and confident person than you’re letting on, but there’s an aspect of shrinking yourself or pretending like you’re unsure or uncertain that was, in a way, almost necessary for you to adopt in order for you to get along with the people around you because they wouldn’t tolerate a very confident, self-assured version of yourself.
You adapted by becoming a shyer, more closed-off person. It’s like self-doubt has become a weapon for you. Or self-doubt has become a cloak for you to be able to at least preserve yourself in social situations. When in reality, you know what you’re doing, you know what you’re talking about, you don’t doubt yourself at all, you know exactly what you’re doing.
But it’s like people refused to tolerate you in your confidence, and so you chose to tone down your own confidence and sense of self-worth just to make the people around you feel better about themselves or leave you alone at least to a certain degree.
It feels like part of you resents yourself for that, that you feel like you’re cowering to people around you just to get by. But then, a bigger part of you understands that this was something that you chose to do to get through life up until this and now that you’re needing to reintegrate it it’s just a clash of these new and old ways of being that just feels very uncomfortable in your stomach.
There’s also a lot of creativity here, there’s a lot of colorful energy. You’re a very creative person, it bleeds out of you. You may have been in an environment where flexing that creativity and owning that creativity has not been encouraged and it’s like literally leaking out of you in ways that you’re not even able to control anymore or in ways that are unconscious. You might not even be aware of how creative you are.
If you’re interested in anything at all like art, singing, visual or music production, that is absolutely something you should take up. Writing, creative writing, journaling, photography, dancing, disco, anything almost flamboyant. Any kind of unapologetic creative explosion, expression of self, you should definitely participate in any kind of activity or hobby like that. Especially in ways that are very social. Being able to consistently interact with more artistic, creative people could be very beneficial for you in your life.
Getting away from more left brain logic, mathematics, earth sciences, getting away from some of that now and moving more towards animals, nature, creativity, flowing, ballet, anything that’s a bit more creative feels like it’s really helping you open up your energy more.
There’s an uneasiness here about exposing your authentic natural self to the world and fear of rejection for sure. There’s a lot of ostracization trauma of being rejected by the tribe, of being rejected by the people you’ve been around – your family, the people closest to you – for being your authentic self with them. Even just that feeling seen, that aspect of yourself who’s so clenched and held back because of fear or rejection, even that aspect of you being seen has just helped you relax a bit in your gut and your stomach.
It’s okay to be afraid that people are going to reject you. I mean, you’re afraid of experiencing it again, you’ve already experienced it, so you know how terrible it is.
You need to feel seen not just for your creativity and for your authentic truth of who you are, you also need to feel that it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to not live up to people’s expectations. I mean, ideally you’re around people who don’t have any expectations of you at all. They just like your energy, they like who you are as a person, they like your vibe. They like you for who you are 24/7 when you’re not trying to perform for them. There’s something about your personality, your core self, that something that you’re not able to shake off, that your authentic self and truth in that way, they like that about you. They like you. For you.
You being able to be around those people, I feel, is really going to help you relax completely like in your body, in your gut and it’s really going to help alleviate any medical or health issues you might be experiencing due to stress and anxiety: potentially inflammation, rashes, acne, pimples, that kind of thing. Skin issues. Any itchiness or scratchiness, that could also help relieve that as well.
That self-acceptance starts within you because you’re not going to be able to allow other people to even get near that truth of yourself unless you’re willing to accept it yourself. So that self-acceptance starts with you. It starts internally and then it reflects itself in the relationships that then become a vibrational match to you in your reality.