You know the answer. You’re very scared of re-experiencing the same traumas that you have from when you’ve perceived yourself to have made mistakes in the past with regards to decisions that you’ve made. You can’t make a wrong decision in this life. Any decision that you make will ultimately lead to your own growth and expansion, so it’s not wrong from a universal, more objective perspective. The thing you may feel or perceive is happening is that you experience more pain.
In your particular case, this would be mostly emotional pain as a result of choosing any decision. You may feel emotional pain after making that decision or in the process of fulfilling that decision. You feel uncomfortable with exercising your own capability to make decisions because you feel like you’ve been, or you have experience being scolded or punished in the past or told that you haven’t made good decisions in the past. Therefore, continuing to exercise those decision-making capabilities feels extremely painful because every time you do it, it triggers that childhood trauma or that original wounding of feeling like you took a big swing, you took a risk and you got dumped on for it, and that did not feel good at all. Part of you resolved at that point, moving forward, “I’m never going to do that again.”
But there’s a feeling or a sensation of being stuck in this sort of infantilized role where you’re not making decisions for yourself. It’s like you allow all the adults around you to make decisions for yourself, but never you to take the wheel of the car again to drive your own decision making in life, and that feels very disempowering for you.
It feels like you’re almost cut off at the knees, because when you lose your assertiveness or when you give up your assertiveness, when you abandon your assertiveness in decision-making for your life, not with no regard, but regardless of whether the outcome is painful or not – that’s part of life. Getting hit in the face with things as you go along is part of life. Being able to maneuver yourself out of sticky situations or unpleasant situations that may come about as a result of having made a difficult choice, given two difficult options, having made a choice and needing to deal with the cons that come with that particular path – that in itself is a maturity-building engine in life. That’s not to be avoided or even feared. It’s to be embraced and acknowledged and appreciated for what it is.
Growth comes from suffering. Suffering doesn’t have to be the primary catalyst for growth, but if you didn’t experience any trauma, if you didn’t experience any adversity, you would be weak-willed and that would be unappealing in the process of establishing yourself.
The answer here is not to move forward without fear. The answer is to decide that it’s better that you take control of your life and make decisions, even if they’re painful, especially when they’re painful, and to focus on and look forward to and cherish the growth that comes about as a result of making difficult decisions. Really cherishing who you are as a person and how you’re growing and evolving as a person who is able to now be more compassionate, more kind, more understanding and more loving in your life as a result of having to go through the things that you go through and having to make the difficult decisions that you make.
You’re able to honestly come out of this on the other side, a warmer, gentler, kinder person to the people who are deserving of your warmth and kindness because not only do you know what it’s like to suffer, but you know what it’s like to navigate, every day, extremely difficult decisions and extreme burdens of responsibility of being responsible for the lives and well-being of other people around you, of people you love, of essentially being a ruler of a kingdom who is benevolent and desires benevolent outcomes, but understanding you have seen the other side, you understand what it is like from a ruler’s perspective to be hated by everyone no matter what it is that you do and no matter how good your intentions are.
So, not to say you should ever give the time of day to somebody who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are and doesn’t respect you in all of the ways that matter, but there is a wisdom that is gained from being hated. From being projected-upon. From being made out to be the enemy when you are, in fact, trying to help people. Profoundly painful of a situation, yes, but a great amount of wisdom to be gained there.
In the same way that people say that there are silver linings to every dark cloud of a situation, there is also a benefit or an upside to having to make a series of decisions between bad and worse decisions. You become more decisive. You become more assertive. You become more sure in yourself that even if you don’t think the outcome is going to be the best, you did what you could to make things better than they were before. You did the best you could to take into consideration all of the factors and all of the different people’s wellbeing that are affected, and you executed, even if it wasn’t perfect, even if it wasn’t ideal, even if it wasn’t utopian, you still are able to function.
There is such a level of respect as a maturing, growing, aging adult, it’s such a beautiful thing to be someone who can function in the gray and not be someone who freezes when things just aren’t completely cut and dry, black and white, good, bad. You are able to function in the nuances of life, and that is something to be celebrated, and that is a positive outcome of being able to keep surviving through, struggling through making these extremely difficult decisions between bad and worse scenarios. It’s profoundly painful, but your aura will have this iridescent, luminous, quality of a sheen added to it, almost a patina of sorts, as a result of you surviving this situation of choosing the more difficult path.
That’s not to glorify difficulty and to put down “ease” or anything, but it is to say that there is a bravery and a magic that you cultivate within yourself as a result of being able to navigate through lots and lots of these situations. So make decisions. Be assertive. Be affirmative. Be clear and clear cut in your actions and your decisions. Don’t waver, don’t waft, don’t be soft about things. Decide what you’re going to do and then go do it. This level of crispness and clarity in your affirmativeness – that’s what you need.
Affirmativeness is like decisiveness, but it’s not just choosing a direction. It’s truly saying, “I’m going full steam ahead and committing to this direction. I’m at a crossroads. I’ve got a right and a left.” Affirmativeness is not just, “let me decide which direction I’m going to go down.” Affirmativeness is you doing it with your whole being, your whole soul puts your back into it. “I’m going left. Everyone, we’re going left. This is now the left-traveling party. Let’s go left now – going left. Walk.” It’s not just choosing. It’s your whole soul putting your back into it. You’re now putting momentum in that direction. It’s like a long-term bet.
Affirmativeness is like a long-term bet. “I’m betting on this play. I’m betting on this decision. I am betting on this move.” Affirmativeness is, “I’m betting on this direction that I’m choosing. I’m not just even acting on it, but I believe that this is the direction that would be in my highest and best wellbeing.”
So be decisive, make decisions, be affirmative.